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Pasu Kecil Baru

Dalam sehari, secara puratanya manusia membuat tiga puluh lima ribu keputusan. Pernahkah kalian berada di fasa dalam hidup yang mana kalian putuskan untuk hanya ingin memiliki impian yang sederhana, tetapi tetap saja berasa gagal, cuma tahu meruntuhkan apa yang kalian bina bertahun-tahun dan sabotaj diri sendiri atas alasan ingin melindungi diri? Adakah itu bermakna kalian jujur menjaga keamanan hati, atau hanya membataskan diri dari tumbuh dan menghadap segala kesusahan? Walaupun kalian tahu, kalian cuma lari dari masalah yang tidak akan pernah habis dan cuba mencari ruang untuk menenangkan diri dari rasa takut. Takut akan segala hal yang akan berlaku, mungkin berlaku atau takkan berlaku langsung.  Choosing to avoid difficulty just means you are choosing another difficulty. Adakah semua keputusan yang kalian ambil itu salah dan sia-sia, atau kalian hanya tidak menyukai dengan apa yang datang bersama-sama keputusan itu? Tidak. Ianya hanya melatih kalian untuk menjadi pembuat keputu...
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Recent posts

Humble walls, full hearts

I woke up late today. With a sip of mango juice — the one Angah bought yesterday that left me confused and realise that I forget how it tastes — I started my morning with a small DIY painting, a canvas even smaller than A5. A bee, a flower, a sun. Yuna’s   Camaraderie   played softly in the background. It’s the first painting I’ve completed in a year, even though it’s far from the first painting set I’ve impulsively bought online. Maybe there’s really no such thing as the instant result I always expect in everything I do. Maybe I just needed to start small. It’s been a while since I last had a genuinely good day. Yesterday was one of those rare ones; siblings day out. Everything flowed smoothly. After picking up my brother from his university, we went to the nearest mall, performed our prayer, and caught a local horror film — surprisingly good, actually. Then we had dinner; I ordered a chicken chop. This is probably my comfort food at this age - out of so many food, who though...
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An ill-fitting dress to a stranger

“Have you ever attached in long term with someone that you no longer talk to?”  “I do. But  it started to become a burden on his shoulder when I put a glimpse of expectation that barely can be seen.” “What can be a burden when you are not even meeting each other?” “Hope.” “That’s what we called love, lady.” If I heard this word five years ago, I would sarcastically smile and disagree at all. But I realise that I am no longer a teenager and love is actually… existed. It just exist in numerous different ways. Last night, I received a call from a good friend of mine during matriculation year, G, that currently living somewhere in Spain. 10504km away from Malaysia, with 6 hours apart. She shows me a glance of her apartment surrounded with construction in the middle of the city that I’m not familiar with while eating prawn salad, casually pick up from where we left off 2 years ago. It’s mind blown on how fate take her to, far from her own plan and expectation. And of course, better...
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Under the glazed umbrella

Penang, Malaysia I skip 2023 to take a deep breath and reflect how much impact it has on me before 2024 knock the door and got me gasping. I  need to write at least one paragraph before this year ends, though I thought I will never come home. Such a waste of tea and tears, my older self should read this back and realise how quirky I am. It’s August, I am one year older and lost two kilograms of weight. Very impactful, isn’t?  I acknowledge my concern at my previous post (which is three years ago) whether I am able to graduate on time, or secure my first job. My younger self was so anxious that she can’t pass any interview because she was not that smart, but Thank God, she did. She did it even before graduated. Not the best among the best, but God do grant my wishes. A lot of things happened for the past couple of years. Too busy, hectic and exhausting that I can’t even sit down and rant about it just because taking photos are more easier and not demanding any explanation. ...
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When everything was uncomplicated and easy to understand

I might say that I am super proud of myself today.  I started my day with a thirty minute morning walk around my college! Discovering that UiTM Segamat also has a pineapple field, gymnasium and even sauna & spa at our college, makes my sharp jaws drop haha. Might try the treadmill one fine day. Let's see how that curiosity lasts. UiTM Segamat is way too charming to me. The tree, hill, old but unique building, bird chirping, fresh air, wild flowers… so refreshing! I am glad that I started my new life routine here. Looking at the old building but still amazed makes me realize that, it's not about the money, not about the fancy building, nor about the spacious car, but it's all about people and love. The road is too huge for me, and makes me feel that someone is welcoming me home. There are no photos taken. I just brought along my smart watch that I once regretted buying. Bought something fancy (because I’m not a sports person) and somehow knew its benefit you was such a r...
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Tacoma that blooms in January

Melaka, Malaysia It’s raining heavily outside. Tacoma started to bloom.  Tomorrow is a brand new year. I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be a pretty rough go. If Allah wills, I will graduate on time. Not sure if I can graduate with a first class degree with honors or otherwise. It is what it is. I just want to be kind to myself. No self comparison, no harsh words, no downgrading, no hard feelings. Just a pat on the back & an opportunity to say that: it’s okay, you nailed it.  I need to secure my permanent job too. I think that I have a lot of responsibilities on my shoulders, which I never thought would be such a burden to me. I need to pull myself together, go out of my comfort zone, and have faith in my own abilities to work in this industry. Thinking that you were not good enough was so exhausting and traumatizing. I don’t want to experience it anymore. For the relationships part (cough) I laugh out loud when I suddenly realize that I never got rejected, and never rejected peo...
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A letter to all dreams that I had

What if we just went broke, but have a dream? Does money determine our values? How much money do we need to earn respect from people? Don’t you think rational and valuable thought is important? One of the best memories that I had in my entire life was throughout my matriculation year. The most remarkable day was during the Young Entrepreneur Innovation Competition participated by science & accounting students. The highlight of the contest was innovating products based on their modules, and the topic for business scholars was anything related with ✨ Halal Food ✨. “What if we tried a dry seaweed shrimp roll?” Faa asked. “Is there any wet seaweed in the market?” I replied innocently. They were all giggling over milk shake before simply agreeing. Unfortunately, the idea was rejected by my lecturer. She said that the seaweed shrimp roll was not that competitive as compared to our classmate’s product. After a few days brainstorming, Yaya invent solution; “What if we make an app?” “... th...
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