2021

Melaka, Malaysia

It’s raining heavily outside. Tacoma started to bloom. 

Tomorrow is a brand new year. Yeah, I know I dah tua. I am 23 years old esok. Geez. I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be a pretty rough go. If Allah wills, I will graduate on time. Not sure if I can graduate with a first class degree with honors or otherwise. It is what it is. I just want to be kind to myself. No self comparison, no harsh words, no downgrading, no hard feelings. Just a pat on the back & an opportunity to say that: it’s okay, you nailed it. 

I need to secure my permanent job too. I think that I have a lot of responsibilities on my shoulders, which I never thought would be such a burden to me. I need to pull myself together, go out of my comfort zone, and have faith in my own abilities to work in this industry. Thinking that you were not good enough was so exhausting and traumatizing. I don’t want to experience it anymore. For the relationships part (cough) I laugh out loud when I suddenly realize that I never got rejected, and never rejected people in my life after watching one of videos on YouTube. That was… a good thing (of course not to celebrate) la kan. 

I’m not sure what I’m gonna do with this blog. (Deep sigh) This gonna be my last update, because I don’t think that I have the desire to write again. Well you know, as a writer, we have to write something that we are passionate about as a starting point to keep going. And I realize that… I don’t have anything that could spark me anymore. Not even accounting. It sounds so dying but I just want to be real. I have built this blog since 2011 with my own damn smol hand. Even though a lot of things happen from the year dot, I can’t even share anything despite that nobody could ever reach this blog and think that my story is interesting to read. I have a lot of ideas, but I think that I should stop being too idealistic, and become realistic instead. 

Anyway,

I just can’t believe on how my effortlessly beautiful Malaysia turns out. 2021 was just crazy. Pandemic, movement control order, unstable politics, threat to environment, people lost their love ones, homes, education & jobs, inflation, irrational low wages, sexual harassment, racism, stupid controversy, and now floods. Irony is that people who can afford to buy luxury car, get luxury car when people around them are in difficulties. Gila.

Due to that, I learnt that everybody is tested according to their abilities, and faith. It’s not easy to accept the fact that others' pain is superior to ours when we see they have ‘everything’ in their life. Little we know that every pain is hurt. It's just a different kind of hurt. We were just too busy to care about them. Nobody is excluded, that’s why nobody deserves to be compared with each other. Allah wants to grant all of us paradise. He loves us. I just hope that every single person is strong enough to face the trials. Sure they are. All my duas are for them. 

You shall certainly be tried and tested in your wealth and properties and in your personal selves. [3: 186]

I am also figuring out that people have been through tough times to test us, whether we are willing to help others. I have been asking myself, if I believe that in my rezeki, there’s someone else’s rezeki too? Am I willing to share? Am I able to contribute more if I have a lot of money in the future if I can’t allocate my money now when I only get paid for my practical allowances?

Kita bukan hanya ada kita.

Not only that, Toton’s passing. He waiting for us back from holiday with a cold ears. I miss you a lot, Abiton.

My gentleman 

Let’s talk about the bright side. I’m achieving my goals to reach 500 connections on LinkedIn, a social media platform with an uncounted bright, talented and potential Malaysian youth. I believe that all of us are equally important, because we have our own significant roles. An intern, writer, cleaner, cashier, gardener, construction worker, doctor, engineer, nurse, local university student, everyone, every single soul including you is important to this country. A building can’t be built according to the project tracking progress and safe to live in when all the workers are not contributing their energy. A lot of losses will be incurred by the owner of the company if the workers walk out and baulk. We were never too undeveloped to be efficient. My tears ricochet bila tengok Malaysian yang tolong people including cats yang dalam kesusahan, contribute money and essentials, give everything they have tanpa kira bangsa dan agama when we have the opportunity to prevent the damaged. They portrayed sincerity beautifully.

True friends are never apart, never in heart

At the same time, I became part of my best friend's journey to secure her first ever permanent job with a public listed company. I’m super duper proud of her achievements, because I have been there. She’s been through a lot, and she deserves this world. I know that my time and suggestions are so insignificant, everything’s happened due to her dedication, hard work, prayers and rezeki, but her recognition of my existence is so much appreciated. She’s even surprised me with two boxes of yummy cakes at my workplace during my gloomy phase. It’s really brighten up my day. I heart you! Thank God, for meeting me up with a lot of nice people throughout this year.

Unforgettable 💖

On top of that, my practical training has finally come to an end in February. Hoorays! I’m forever grateful for being able to spend my time with my mom at the laundry and be there through her hard times. Other than that, I will be kept within myself. For 2022, I just hope that I have the ‘momentum’ to say sorry to those I hurt the most, in my past. I want to make peace with my own pain, be a better person and spend my time with my beloved ones. May Allah bless you with comfort, success and happiness in 2022. That’s it for today’s letter, I need to perform maghrib prayer and complete my practical report.

Take care.

♥️